Week 22: So Dumb, Really Dumb, Forreal Awards

February 6th, 2011

Runaway Winner: Whoever planned the halftime show this year

My friends and I were having an awesome time teeing off on the BEP, who were, simply put, terrible. Some of us preferred having Springsteen or The Who – that’s how bad it was.
Here’s why.
-BEP looked like they stole the outfits from the leftover Tron wardrobe collection. Apl De Ap especially.
-Sound problems all over the place – Fergie’s mike was off to start the performance, for example.
-Chose random ass guest stars to cover up for the fact that their discography doesn’t have enough hits – I mean really, who thought it would be cool to have Fergie sing Sweet Child of Mine? Anyone?
“Why not Christina Aguilera?” – Artem
And Usher? A singer that’s on the downside of his career following 2004, when he was undeniably the biggest name in pop? Why not somebody even remotely related to the teams, or even Dallas?
-Stage wasn’t even properly lit for the word LOVE
-The dancing people looked horrible – at one point there were four glowing arrows for literally no discernable reason at all, as well as 100 yards of glowing lights performing the running man [my god, if you guys are trying to give off a futuristic vibe, why use one of the dumbest ones?]
-couldn’t tell if the stage was meant to be a 9 or a B, but that was kinda dumb too

huge mess
just a huge
huge
mess

I know this was the NFL’s attempt to provide crossover appeal. But they ended up appealing to nobody.

By extension, this award goes to everybody at JerryWorld -
-Jerry, for charging 200 bucks for people to STAND OUTSIDE THE STADIUM.
-Jerry, for adding 15,000 seats and then denying 400 people their seats because the fire marshall didn’t approve them
[you would think for a 2 billion dollar stadium, you might complete paperwork on time and what not]
-Jerry, for building a stadium that couldn’t handle snow and had to close down 4 entrances
-Keyaron Fox, who drew a late unnecessary roughness/unsportsmanlike conduct that hurt the Steelers’ last chance at victory
-Shaun Suisham for blowing a 52 yard field goal so badly that it hit a guy in the stands. It would be the only attempt of his of the night. Welcome to the highlight reels for the rest of your life.
-Ben Roethlisberger, who played a terrible postseason this year. His numbers tonight looked better only because Charles Woodson broke his collarbone. And it’s not like he had pressure in his face all night, either. With the exception of one interception in the first quarter, he pretty much had all the time he wanted.
[by the way, two points on that
1) wtf was wrong with the turf at JerryWorld? we had 5 or 6 injuries tonight
2) couldn't have happened to a better guy - Charles Woodson is classy as all hell and didn't deserve it. Glad he won though.]
-Packers receivers, who made an easy victory a lot harder with their drops. Ryan Grant and Jermichael Finley are sorely missed.
-James Starks. Who is terrible in pass protection. Seriously. Terrible.
-an SDRD goes out to the people who invented media week, too. by the end of the second week, all the storylines are hashed out, and things that aren’t normally a big deal become one – like Ben treating his teammates to dinner. Seriously, people? THIS IS A NON-ISSUE! /facepalm
I know it’s good for injuries and all, but Markice Pouncey didn’t even play [and Legursky did fine]…super bowl media hype pisses me off

Goodbye, football season
hello draft! ^___^

other tidbits;

all USC trojans -
Everson Griffen and Mitch Mustain in particular. Mr. Griffen was arrested not once, but TWICE in the span of three days [the first for grabbing the crotch of a police officer apparently], then decided to throw a huge party in Vegas for the Super bowl. Never mind that he’ll never get to play in one – he also had the audacity to charge a hundred bucks to hang out with him. You probably couldn’t get me to attend that party if you paid ME a hundred bucks.

Mustain, on the otherhand, was arrested under suspicion of selling narcotics. This, after already transferring away from Arkansas to get more playing time. Now he’s still buried on the depth chart at SC, and selling Adderall.

Well then. Business as usual in Trojan land? And yet some how they manage a top 10 recruiting class every year, even with sanctions. man.

http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2011/football/ncaa/02/02/ohio-state-recruit-arrest.ap/index.html?eref=sihp

U.S. Steel – for threatening employees who watch the super bowl. Really? It’s the SUPER BOWL. Your region doesn’t exactly have too many exciting things going on there. Maybe you should let them take a couple hours off and enjoy this. You know, just saying. It’s not like you have that many clients anyway, not with this economy..

Phil Simms [http://www.sportsbybrooks.com/cops-stop-phil-simms-attack-on-espns-howard-29469]
Dude.
You put your kids out there as quarterbacks, and there’s an implicit agreement that you will be subject to criticism. It’s a D-1 program, for one. For two, sports is made to BE dissected. You put them out there, in the most important position in sports, and you want to physically assault a guy who’s doing his job commenting about your son’s lack of ability for it?

So dumb. Forreal.
I bet you really wish you had whatever Archie Manning has in HIS wheaties, what with producing two awesome QB playing sons and all. Or even the Matthews.
If anything, Steve Young’s comments were the ones that deserved physical violence. But Howard did nothing wrong in saying your son was terrible. Because he is. Sportswriting and commenting is not restricted alone to those who have the ability to PLAY sports.

That one guy who voted for Lagarrette Blount in the NFL’s Comeback Player of the Year voting -
you realize he’s a rookie, right?
what the fuck did he possibly have to come back from?
college?

On the heels of hearing that Gilbert Arenas was served with child support papers at half time…

http://sports.yahoo.com/nba/blog/ball_dont_lie/post/Gilbert-Arenas-spends-a-lot-of-money-to-maintain?urn=nba-313303

dude spends 5 grand a week to take care of his sharks.
I’m getting a vision from the future
…
wait for it…
i see a scruffy, unkempt beard [check]
i see divorce and a messy custody battle
i see one of those E:60 specials about broke ass athletes
i see
agent zero taking on a whole new meaning [olol]

enjoy it, Gil. Cause you’re never getting that big of a contract again. And money don’t grow on trees. Or at the end of a gold plated gun, either.

Cleveland Cavaliers – 24 straight.
May not win again this year.
I’m gonna leave this as a running column thing until they win. Cheer up. It could be worse. Not too much worse, but still. Could be worse.

Rick Dipietro –

http://deadspin.com/5750264/heres-video-of-last-nights-one+punch-nhl-goalie-fight

you might want to fight with your helmet on next time
there’s a chance no one will know who it is with the glass jaw under there

this week’s bizarre crazy thing that doesn’t need my comments on it;

http://mirror.washingtoncitypaper.com/articles/40063/the-cranky-redskins-fans-guide-to-dan-snyder.html

to which Mr. Snyder sued over. Leading to this.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2011/02/02/AR2011020206136.html

three words: worst. owner. ever.

and artem, with a contribution on snuggies

neoowned (10:46:59 PM): I have spent a significant amount of time trying to figure out a snuggie riff
neoowned (10:47:37 PM): I’ve finally found an angle after seeing Jack in pieces
neoowned (10:48:19 PM): A snuggie is a symptom of clinical depression
neoowned (10:49:32 PM): There is not a goddamn person that needs what is essentially a reverse robe
neoowned (10:51:29 PM): And the only reason one would purchase such a useless thing would be dehabilitating depression
supernammle (10:52:08 PM): …./puts away shopping list
neoowned (10:52:15 PM): The type of depression where putting on clothes doesn’t really make sense to you anymore
neoowned (10:53:20 PM): But you live amongst people so you cover up
neoowned (10:57:25 PM): The type of depression in which your only solace becomes putting on that snuggie every morning and feeling its soft, warm fabric brushing by your junk ever so gently as you waddle to your favorite couch spot.
neoowned (10:57:50 PM): …not that I would know

…sure you wouldn’t, big guy.

and also, who the hell decided to market the Chevy Cruze?

what idiot thought it would be good to use the ability to read facebook status updates from your car as a selling point?
really?

did they realize that when you get “Tony is now single” from your car, it might not be a good idea to let someone be behind the wheel of a LETHAL WEAPON?

good work, chevy
no wonder why nobody buys american cars